Accountability loop

While I was at a writer’s conference I learned this really cool thing I want to share with you. This is from Annie Hyman Pratt, a coach and public speaker.

We are hard-wired to live in the victim loop. It’s just natural. When we have a situation we don’t like or are uncomfortable with we first ignore it. (Maybe it will go away.) When that doesn’t work we deny we really have a problem. (It’s not that bad.) But when we have to face that we really have a problem we blame others. (It’s not my fault… or if it is my fault, it’s really that I ran out of time, or I didn’t understand, or I got too busy… so it’s really not my fault.)

Then we rationalize— that means we dig in and get totally vested in blaming. Then we resist. We just don’t want to deal with the problem. And finally we hide. We delve into Facebook, don’t answer the phone, sleep. Or hide in our room.

These are natural ways to deal with problems. But they are ineffective. They don’t solve the problem… indeed. It makes it worse for you and those around you.

We know we will find ourselves in the victim loop. But as soon as we do, we can take steps to move into the Accountability loop. One if the first steps is to recognize. We recognize we’re in the victim loop and/or we recognize we have a problem

The next step is to own our part of the problem. Even if someone did something to us, we still can take ownership of how we respond or what our next steps will be. We can own that we have a part to play in the solution. We can own our feelings. (I’m afraid, or I’m feeling defensive.) We can own our need to call out the problem: “Here’s the challenge that I see.”

The next step is to apply forgiveness. We all make mistakes- us and others. Forgive ourselves and others… give grace and compassion. We need to get to neutral— not anger, fear, etc. Whatever happened, happened. It’s now in the past. Get over judgement, anger, emotions and move on.

Self-examination is your consideration of your role in getting a better outcome. How can you help others make good choices?

 Learn. Sometimes you have to learn more information or figure out your part in finding the best action to a good outcome. Then take the action.

Taking ownership (accountability loop) gets results. You have a different mindset- one that looks for solutions, and you have a structure to support your decisions. It requires a change of behavior on your part… but also on the part of other people involved in the problem.

I love how this business woman talked about forgiveness as an essential part of being accountable.

So often, we have similar goals. We start out in agreement of what we think a good outcome is. If not, part of learning may be to find out what you or others think is a good outcome.

Then your actions address the changes needed to make that outcome happen.

She had a great “non-blame” way to address problems. Say for example the deadline for copy is on Tuesday. Or the goal is to have a happy family.

1. Start with what changed. (We agreed revisions would be over on Friday and on Monday you gave me new changes. Or you said you’d be kind to your brother and now you’re teasing him.)

2. Articulate how the change created a challenge to achieve the desire outcome. (The GAP + the Impact.) (You want the final copy on Tuesday but it will take me two days to incorporate your revisions. Or Our goal is to have a loving family and teasing makes that impossible.)

3. Offer solutions, adjustments and potential changes to reach the desired outcome.

(We could push the final copy due date back to Wednesday and still have an excellent report. Or You might apologize to your brother or do something kind for him to restore harmony in the home.)

4. Ask for their ideas for solutions, adjustments and potential changes to reach the desired outcome. They might have different or better ideas.

5. Then discuss it and negotiate to reach a new agreement to achieve the desired outcome.

Can you think of a problem you’ve had recently… either of your own making (late to work or school) or someone else’s making (they stole from you or didn’t keep their word.) Go through the steps and see how you responded. Were you a victim? Go through it again and see how you might be able to change things around by moving to the accountability loop. I’d love it if you’d think about this and work at it for a week and then report back how it worked for you.  Will you do that?