April 9-15

Monday we finished up watching Deborah's children.  I went to half of half to see what kinds of goodies I could not live without. Although I pursued the entire store... I could only find one $4 top that required bringing home.

Miranda came to visit with her children.  She planned to stay with Deborah's kids for those few interim hours between the time we left-- about 3:30 pm... and the time Deborah and Ian came home... about 8 pm. It was nice to chat with Miranda and fun to see her children playing so well with Deborah and Ian's kids.

We arrived home just before dark and were able to get in and settled.  The next morning, Tuesday, we went to Tai Chi and I had a session with Clifford. After that I went to Pietz's Cancer house to learn what they could do for me in the way of support. They have support groups, free wigs, exercise and nutrition classes and a variety of other presentations.

Then I stopped by Dr. Lattanzi's office to see if they knew when I would begin Chemo. It sounded like "not this week" which freed us up to make plans.

I went to Midway to buy garden seeds, then vegetable shopping, then stopped to get my hair cut.  Tom had been out at a volunteer meeting for an interfaith group. Good thing... I realized I didn't have cash to get my hair cut...and she doesn't take plastic. So my Sugar Daddy stopped by and gave me some cash.  I also stopped at the health food store and bought some Essiac Tea.  It was pretty pricey for not much.  But I was running out and had not made another batch.

Late Tuesday afternoon I got the news that the KRAS test was in. (They didn't know for sure the results but judging by the chemo prescribed it was positive.) And they scheduled me for Chemo starting Monday.  I learned that I would be having a drip at the doctor's office for a good FIVE HOURS! Two hours each for the first two drugs and one hour for the third... and that was after the series of pre-chemo drugs to prevent nausea and such. Then home health would come out and hook up the two day drip, and remove it once it was done.

Wednesday I got a call from an ostomy nurse.  One of my friends thought I had surgery and an ostomy bag.  Glad I didn't. Still the nurse was informative and sweet.  She suggested I check into Pietz's house for a support group.  I had not wanted to be prejudiced by other's experiences and I said, "I understand that each person experiences chemo differently."  She said, "Oh, that's true, but there are some common features. Everyone experiences deep fatigue, nausea, and loss of appetite."  What?  Whoa!

I did more research on chemo. I learned that the goal of chemo... as the doctor said... was to shrink the tumor, not to cure the disease.  The chemo acts on the daughter cells, but allows the mother cells to live, to mutate, and to become more chemo resistant. The fatigue comes from the attack on all the body organs as well as the fast growing cells especially T-cells and blood cells, resulting in a compromised immune system.  How could I fight off the cancer naturally, if the immune system is compromised?  What if chemo weakened me and allowed the cancer to mutate and flourish?

Essentially the treatment is palliative care. It doesn't cure it just may extend life.  The more I read and thought about it, the more I dreaded moving forward with it.

I was talking to Tom about my dread of starting chemo and becoming sick and immune compromised. He said, "You know, you don't have to do it." We talked about it. We listed pros and cons.  Tom asked... are you willing to risk dying in 6 months? If you live a year with lousy quality of life is that better?  What do you risk if you don't?  What do you risk if you do? We prayed and pondered.

Wednesday we planted the garden. The weather had warmed up to the high seventy's.

Thursday it was in the 80's. We held Tai Chi outside in glorious weather.  Again I had a session with Clifford. In the afternoon I trimmed the grape vines.  We also went to lunch with friends at Colton's.  I find that salads are generally a safe bet to eat.

 By Friday morning I had also made the decision to cancel my chemo appointment and not take chemo treatments. It felt like a relief and felt like I got my life back.  I could move forward with plans and not worry about when I would feel sick and tired.

One thought spring might be on it's way. But Friday a storm blew in.

Tom and I left Friday morning after Dr. Nachtigal, the surgeon, checked my port. We drove to the Kansas City temple to meet Miranda and family there. We had a little rain. We got there earlier than anticipated and were able to do some initiatories.  Then Miranda met us at the temple and we did a session together. We went to Panera for dinner. When we came out, it was POURING rain.

Dan had held down the fort with the kids.  The hotel had an indoor water park and they had fun there.  On the drive up, the neighbor called. All the cows were in our front yard! Gaak!  We called the wife of the cow owner to come take care of it, and had the neighbor close the front driveway gate to corral them in the front yard.  How did they get out?  They pushed through a fence gate. She put them in the east pasture... where there was little grass. We wanted them there so the west pasture could get a bit of a head start before they were turned out on it again.

If you look closely at the left juniper, you can see Tom there.

Saturday Dan and Tom and I went to the 8:30 session. It was bitter cold!. After, we went back to the hotel to change, and we hit the road to come home. We had checked the Mountain Home weather and heard that a tornado or tornadic type weather had hit around the hospital area and up North Collage and on to Gamaliel. Hyrum Shaddock, the nursing home just next to the hospital had 1/3 of it's roof collapse. When we returned home, we saw many trees broken off on North College. We have a rental house on North College and worried about it.  It looked okay.  Just one side had some of the metal fascia ripped loose and hanging.  Could have been much worse. One house had a tree on it. Another had shingles lifted straight up, exposing the wooden roof below.

Turns out the cows were not pleased to be confined to the low grass area.  They kept trying to get through the fences.  When we returned home on Saturday, once again, one was in the front yard, and one in the west pasture. We decided, no reward of grain or luring them with grain. We'd make it a bit more unpleasant. After a bit of chasing, we got the cows in.  They escaped again to the west pasture.  Tom chased them with the truck and we got them into the east... I don't know. Tom takes it as a challenge. It's stopped being fun for me.

Miranda and Dan came home with us. It's been fun to have grandchildren running around and interesting conversations with the adults. Nice to have the pew half filled with family and everyone admiring my cute new grand baby. I got to snuggle with her while she slept through a good part of sacrament and Sunday school.  That's the only time she's quiet.  When she's awake, she wants to wiggle and move. In Relief Society we talked about the worth of every soul in the sight of God. 

We had a quiet afternoon (as quiet as it can get with three young boys) playing games and visiting.  Miranda's family will leave tomorrow and we will start new adventures.

Week of April 2-8

We had a lovely time with Jonathan and Kristy’s family over Conference Weekend. So nice to have their family over. On Monday Kristy and Isabelle went to visit Clifford, the Chinese Healer.  I prepped for surgery and had my port put in. It went easier than I had expected… in that I went to sleep and when I woke up… it was done.  There was soreness and discomfort at the site, but the Tramadol that they prescribed didn’t seem to do a lot.  I tried Tylenol and Motrin.  They worked as well.  And finally I just gave up.  Each day the discomfort diminished.

Tuesday, I went to Tai Chi in the morning and a session with Clifford.  He was gentle as he said my body had poisons in it… no doubt from the anesthetic. While the anesthesiologist said it would not cause a slowing of the digestive system and the doctor said the pain killer would not cause it either, the bowels were not moving.

Tuesday afternoon I met with Dr. Lattanzi, the oncologist. He said comparing PET scans with CT scans is kind of apples to oranges.  It’s not designed to reveal changes. Also, the KRAS test STILL had not come back. And finally, I guess they need pre-approval from the insurance companies before beginning chemo. Seriously?  I’m ready to begin… and they are not.

On the plus side, we’d told Deborah we’d watch her kids while she and Ian went to Utah for Ian’s sister’s wedding. So we left on Wednesday to do that.

Earlier in the week Tom had been working on Adam’s house.  The toilet was not working properly and the flooring around it was weak. So he spent the first part of the week redoing the floor and installing the new toilet.  He finished Wednesday morning before we left.

I had a totally miserable Wednesday and Thursday. My bowels finally started moving but with a great deal of very painful gas. So I wasn’t a lot of help at Deborah’s those first days.  Thursday, I had a painful abdomen plus sick to my stomach. I finally figured out it wasn’t surgery or cancer related, it was a 24-hour bug from one of the grandchildren. That was good news. I figured my misery would come to an end. And it did. Friday I felt better and even better on Saturday. I decided I was willing to live after all.

Tom has been amazing.  He’s fixed meals and driven kids to school. The children have been very good, too. They have played well together and been helpful. It has been fun to create relationships and memories with more of the grand children.

Saturday we told them they could sleep in… so they woke up at 5:30. We got the beds changed and the house cleaned before 10am.  So we had an early lunch and went to the Amazeum. This is a delightful hands-on museum for kids. It’s wonderful that everything can be touched by them.  They had tubes that blew scarves around, up, down, and finally out an opening at the top, an animation area, balls and vents, a music area with all kinds of things to hit with sticks or flip-flops. There was a market where kids could stock, shop, and check out food, and a loading area were kids could move soft cubes along conveyer belts (hand cranked) up lifts, and down chutes. There was a building area outside and a playground.  There were also science and art areas and a Hershey chocolate making area.  We got tickets to do that… but they weren’t until 3pm… and we were kinda done by a little after 2 as Hailey was ready for a nap. In the evening, we watched a movie.

Sunday was fast Sunday and it was a good day. There were good testimonies about the Book of Mormon. Deborah’s ward got a new Relief Society presidency and it was fun to learn about the new women in Relief Society. In the afternoon we played board games and hide and seek with the kids.  A more active Sunday than our usual pastimes.

MD Anderson

Monday we drove down to MD Anderson for a second opinion.  I had gone to the library and got some books on tape.  So we enjoyed a modified Alyss in Wonderland story on the way down.  It presumed that Alyss was the rightful heir of Wonderland, but wicked queen Red had stolen the throne and Alyss escaped to London around 1880. The story was Alyss's attempts to get back to Wonderland and regain her throne.

I was very impressed with MD Anderson.  They were very professional and really addressed all concerns from medical to social and emotional.  Unfortunately the doctor had the same prognoses and treatment as the oncologist here. Not a candidate for surgery as the cancer had metastasized and seeded in the abdomen. Chemo would hopefully shrink the tumor... no cure... cancer would likely return.  Fortunately that's just western medicine's outlook. I have a connection with the Master Healer and hope and pray for a much better outcome.

I'm doing natural remedies... but are they working... or working fast enough?  Dr. Le (from MD Anderson) said that while I feel great now, things could go south quickly. If I had a bowel blockage, the size of the tumor in the abdomen might make it impossible to do surgery... and it would be fatal.  Tom and I decided we would start Chemo and see if it shrinks the tumor. That would give natural methods more time to work.

While they said to plan on 3-5 days, we just had the one appointment and we were done. Perhaps because we'd done all the testing ahead of time.  So we drove to Galveston and walked barefoot on the beach. It was absolutely delightful.  The tide was in.  The waves were wild with the wind blowing.  And the sand was powder soft. Sandpipers raced at the edge of the surf.  Clouds tumbled across the sky.  It was perfect. Very soothing.

Tom and I have been doing barefoot walking as Tom's been reading the book, "Earthing," by Clinton Ober. It has quite a bit of scientific evidence of the benefits of connecting to the earth on a variety of ailments.  Even as we traveled home, we stopped and walked barefoot in a small park along the way.

Wednesday we drove to Dallas and went to the temple.  Then we drove to Mt. Pleasant, just south of the Arkansas border and spent the night.  It was quite a nice hotel for a very reasonable price.  However, between travel and change in diet, my digestive track was not very happy with me. So we took it easy on the way home stopping frequently.

On the way home on Thursday, we called Missionary Medical to ask what would be required for us to go on a mission.  We'd need a letter from the doctor saying he cleared us to go on a mission. Then they needed to know what follow-up treatment I'd need.  The country we wanted to go to might not let us in if we would be a drain on their health system.  And they need to have the facilities modern enough to treat me.  And finally, the slot we were to take might have been filled and we would be assigned elsewhere.  Even if I were in complete remission they would make me wait a little to see if I stayed that way. 

I will likely be retested in June.  It will take a miracle for me to be healthy enough to leave by September-- within our 6 month delay period.  I'm praying for that miracle, but am willing to bow to the Lord's plan for me.

Friday I went to Dr. Nachtigal, the surgeon to see about getting a port put in.  He will do that Monday at 1pm. It will be under anesthetia and take about 20 minutes.  He was very good at explaining the procedure and what I could expect.  I will see  the oncologist on Tuesday and probably start chemo after that.

Friday evening Jonathan, Kristy and family... and dogs...came to visit. It's been delightful. We went to a ward chili cook-off on Friday night. General conference was on Saturday and Sunday.  It was wonderful.  There are lots of  changes that were exciting and I think will help us be better saints.  I learned ways to improve my prayers and how to serve better. In celebration of Easter Sunday, it was also special to hear talks on the atonement and resurrection and their vital meaning for our lives.

Sunday Jonathan and Kristy's kids had a lot of fun finding clues that led to their Easter baskets. Zachary had been sick to his stomach the night before.  So alas, he was forbidden to eat his candy.  However, he carried his basket with him all day... and slept with it at night.

Hope you all had a great Easter weekend.

Keep on keeping on

Most of you know the important news of the week. Tuesday we saw Dr. Lattanzi, the oncologist. He was kindly, but the news was not satisfying.  There was a 70% chance chemo would shrink the cancer.  It would not cure it or eliminate it. It would return at some point in the future. It would buy time. Surgery was not an option, there were too many seedlings in the abdominal cavity.  He was pleased we would get a second opinion at MD Anderson in Houston next week.

I continue to feel remarkably well.  Only occasional pain... and that seems to be diminishing and pretty good energy.  It's probably as good as it's been in the past few years.

Friday Tom had his colonoscopy.  It went well.  Three small polyps were removed.  Looked good.

In between all this we sandwiched healthy stuff like juicing, tai chi, getting the ingredients for Essiac tea and making it, starting on parasite cleansing, going to Richards for Qui Gong energy healing, and listening to several hours of videos on cannabis and its health benefits.

We also went to the movie: Tomb Raider.  It was a good diversion.  A friend introduced us to Sudoku.  I had not been a fan of "guessing" games.  But she insisted it was good for the brain and wasn't guessing.  As she explained it, I could see how it worked.  This is the kind where 9 squares each have numbers 1-9 and also the horizontal and vertical lines have 1-9... without any duplicates.  So you have three ways to figure out what the number might be.   It gets addictive.  I've been doing it while waiting for doctor's appointments.

This week Tom spent cleaning up the woods area behind the house and burning downed wood.  He gathered up the saplings we cut to put in the fence and cleaned that up.  It looks much better. A rental house had a leak under the sink and he fixed that.

Tom's also been working on the antique love seat.  He stained the replacement wood and glued it into place.  The next step is to put in the webbing and then the springs.

It looks like Rebecca will come to visit for two weeks in the summer.  We may get together for a family event.  It's always nice to see kids.

Getting Healthy

Who knew getting healthy took so much work?  There's exercises to do, deep breathing, visualization, people wanting to help with reiki, energy medicine and my Chinese healer.  I'm doing tai chi three times a week. I'm juicing and eating odd food that takes preparation time. And this week I spent hours setting an appointment at MD Anderson and filling out their questionnaires and paperwork. MD Anderson is the top cancer treatment center in the USA and I wanted to go there for a second opinion.

My PET scan was scheduled for Wednesday with a follow-up doctor appointment on Thursday.  So I scheduled MD Anderson for the following week. However, the scanning machine broke down.... so I pushed MD Anderson back a week.

The machine was back up by Friday and I was able to have my PET scan taken that morning. It was interesting to learn they can tell the difference between aggressive and non-aggressive cancer as well as cancers that are dying and where and how they are going away.  This gave me hope that they might be able to see positive results from the natural healing I've been doing.

I actually feel very well. I mostly have energy and the size of my stomach area has shrunk since the colonoscopy.  ( I also lost weight... but even after the weight quit going down, the stomach area reduced in size.)  So I hope this is all good news.

When I went to schedule a follow-up appointment with the oncologist, I learned he would be gone all next week. There was no way I could see him and keep the new MD Anderson appointment.  So I asked for another doctor.  I will see Dr. Latanzi. I've heard good things about him. We'll see what his treatment plan is.

Monday I will pick up the PET scan report and also the images to take with me to MD Anderson. I may be able to understand some of what is said on the report.

While it seems like health takes up an inordinate amount of time, I did get a few other things done. On Monday I went out visiting teaching.  I'm pleased I get to keep visiting these ladies. They are so nice and I enjoy the visits.

Monday night I called a lady who was a friend of a friend who had just finished cancer treatments for colon cancer.  It was helpful to listen to her experience with surgery and chemo.  Didn't make me eager for either of them.  She was totally delighted with her surgeon, so I might consider using him.  He is near Miranda's so I could go stay there.

I spent some time weeding the front garden. Tom spent the week gathering up dead-fall and burning it. We cut some saplings as we cleared the fence line for the new fence. He's done an excellent job cleaning all that up.

I finally finished the last of the Chad promo and sent it off.  I had the Eagle promo that was going to be left undone...because I was leaving.  Since I'm not leaving, I thought I should volunteer to finish it if they wanted. I sent a few emails and go no reply.  Finally the last email got a response.  As far as the marketing director knew, it was languishing on an editor's desk. I haven't heard back.  I think I'll just let it die.  I offered...

Tom and I have been working on Croatian... albeit slowly-- poloko. I feel like I'm making some headway learning numbers, especially as I have to count deep breathing and acupuncture massage rotations. So I can count up to 100... mostly.  Sometimes we learn phrases only to have them disappear from our mind the next day.

This weekend Miranda and Dan and family came.  It was so nice to have them here, even if Rachael had a fever and residual ear infection and was less than her usual happy self. I played legos with Camden. Tom played connect four with the boys. And everyone went outside and picked up limbs and contributed to a humongous bonfire. The boys especially had a great time riding in the bucket of the tractor.  Later the boys roasted marshmallows and had s'mores.

Miranda helped me thin the irises and Tom and Dan hacked down the huge rosebush over the arbor.  I was sorry to do it, but 70% of it was dead wood and some of the live stuff grew very weird with bursts of many shoots off one tip.  This pruning will either heal it or kill it.  I'm hoping for the healing.

Saturday night we had the missionaries over for hamburgers and a belated Pi day. Tom was so happy he had two pies-- Chocolate Truffle and Tollhouse Cookie.  My favorites.  But I did not eat them.

Church was good. I'm continually surprised at how many people are still concerned about my health and are still praying for us. 95 year old Br. Cubr came up and said, "We pray for your three times a day."  Another sister said her little niece, Piper, who is about three years old starts every prayer with, "Please bless Sister Fox."  How sweet is that!!!

Today we learned about being spiritually nourished.  That the spirit is light and truth. Elder Uchdorf said:

"It means that there is a power, a strong influence, that emanates from the Savior. It proceeds “forth from the presence of God to fill the immensity of space.” Because this power enlightens, uplifts, and illuminates our lives, the scriptures often call it light, but it is also referred to as spirit and truth.

This profound insight—that light is spirit, which is truth, and that this light shines upon every soul who comes into the world—is as important as it is hopeful. The Light of Christ enlightens and saturates the souls of all who hearken to the voice of the Spirit.

The Light of Christ fills the universe. It fills the earth. And it can fill every heart."
Then he equates this light to the sun. Darkness is simply the absence of light.  When the sun goes down, we don't worry that it will be dark forever.  We know that in time, the sun will rise again and darkness will flee. 

So with spiritual problems. We can trust that God is there, even if we are temporarily in the shadows. He said, "Darkness is not an indication that there is no light. Most often, it simply means we’re not in the right place to receive the light."

So happy to hear the good news about Jim going home from the hospital.  We hope and pray he will continue to progress to full recovery.

The day we didn't leave

Today, Sunday March 11, I mourn just a little more. This is the day we would have left to go to the MTC.  It's a bit hard to get accustomed to the different path we are journeying on now.

Monday we canceled our travel tickets for our mission.  We also trimmed fruit trees. We have one more pear tree to go.  It's gotten ceder rust blight the last two years.  I don't know how well it will do if we seriously hack it back... which it needs.

Tuesday I got a much needed haircut and felt better.  I also started keeping a journal of this cancer journey.   I also sold some bitcoin and used it to pay off the last of our mortgages.  We are now mortgage free!  Whahoo!  So when cryptocurrencies tank, I think, "I don't care.  I paid off two mortgages. I've more than gotten my money out of them."  Still... I'm eager to see them rise again.

Tuesday and Thursday Tom and I got up in time to be at a 7am tai chi class. It's a healing class with lots of "bone marrow rubbing" and things to wake up the body and strengthen it. I recognize some of the moves from when I was taking a martial arts class.

I don't know that we really accomplished a lot this week.  We finally got a stain for the wooden piece that we need to fix the antique settee. Tom has worked on it and it nearly matches the rest of the wood. Once that's glued in place we can start with the springs.

Friday we had the appointment with the oncologist. I learned a little more about colon cancer and saw the CT scan and he pointed out shadows of interest. He ordered a PET scan that will show blood flow and better pinpoint cancer.  He also ordered some tests on the biopsy to see if there were markers that would indicate it would respond better to specific kinds of drugs.  We will meet next week to discuss results of the test and formulate a treatment plan.

My goal at this point is the get the results, listen to his proposed treatment and then get a second opinion.  I have been exploring options this week. I looked at Dean Ornish's work with reversing prostate cancer and heart disease.  It looks like he's focused on those areas, even though the research says it should work on other cancers too.  The diet is quite restrictive.

I also saw a naturaopath and spent a good hour plus discussing his credentials, possible treatment, and his track record.  Seems like a nice guy. I wasn't impressed to go that route right now.  However, he did mention essiac tea and said he had a reputable source.  So I might follow up on that.

I've had two Reiki sessions and they seem to be comforting.  So maybe that means they are effective and promoting healing.

Saturday was a delightful day. We traveled to Springdale for Samantha's baptism.

Andy and family (except Nathan and Katie). Jonathan’s family (except Kristy) and Miranda’s family all came as well. It was a lovely mini- family reunion.  I lead the music and Tom spoke on the Holy Spirit. I love this photo of the kids all lined up eating refreshments afterwards.

 Deborah made Café Reo Chicken for after the service and each of us brought part of the meal. Rachel just tried some applesauce.

 Deborah completed Katie's quilt she started for Christmas.  I love the leaping and sleeping foxes on it. I think Isabelle would have liked to have taken it home with her.

 While the parents chatted in the background. The kids had a great time pushing the table cart around the cultural hall with it's load of joyful children.

 The assembled picture shows Christopher's broken wrist.  It happened yesterday on the Monkey Bars... or as a result of a fall from them.  I guess it's a compression fracture and should fix itself pretty quickly.

It was wonderful to feel the love of the family.

I have just felt really blessed to have such confidence and a positive outlook. I really feel like the Lord is walking with me and all will be okay. It probably helps that I've also been blessed to feel healthy.  Except for some abdominal discomfort after I eat and before I poop, I'm pretty much normal... or as normal as I've ever been.

I have been humbled and uplifted by all the well wishing and prayers of so many people.  I had not realized we were so loved.  This Sunday I got two jars of chicken soup, some Essiac tea, two books, a pamphlet on healing, and a lovely water color painting of a fox done by a ward member artist... along with snickerdoodle cookies for Tom!

Change in plans

This past week has been filled with unexpected events. I went in Monday for a fairly routine colonoscopy and learned that I had a mass that would need to be surgically removed and require a few months for recovery.

We were stunned. We were so focused on going on a mission. Our every thought was… what needs to be done before we leave… and now we worried that we were disappointing those depending on us to show up in a few days in the mission.

Then we realized, this is the Lord's work. This is his church he is in control. If this is his choice for us, then he will arrange other things for the mission.

 We would not be leaving on the date planned. At best, it would be a few months later.

As the week progressed the news continued. Cancer had taken up residency in my body. It had spread outside the colon. There were several masses that needed to be dealt with.

We spent the first few days in mourning. And the next few trying to find a sense of direction and focus.  Moving from mission to healing.

One of the wonderful blessings has been feeling the outpouring of love from family, friends and our wonderful ward family. It humbles me and I am grateful.

At this point we are walking day by day.

Regardless of the future, this much I know.

I am a daughter of God.  He loves me!

Jesus is my Savior and He is walking beside me every step of the way.

He knows my pains, my fears, my hopes and my joys and He feels them with me.

I Trust God.  I know all things shall work together for my good.

I know my Savior is strengthening and supporting me through this and all things.

I am confident that I will have a wonderful renewed body in the Lord's time and the Lord's place. All will be well.

Andy and Kera's family came up on Saturday and helped out immensely.  They cut down a tree that had fallen against our new fence.  They helped do some cleaning. Tom gave Katie Model A driving lessons. The zipline was heavily used and fun was had by everyone... I think. Except perhaps not to those who lost to Tom's mad Connect Four skills.

Today we had a powerful fast and testimony meeting. We have a wonderfully supportive ward family.  I got lots of good advice.  I know people just want to help out.

This evening we went to West Plains for a Self Reliance meeting for Tom and I got to chat with a few friends.

Hope you have a great week.